"I'll always carry you in my heart."

Have you ever whispered this declaration to the deceased, your promise from within even if never uttered aloud?

It sounds so nice, right? It sounds so... benevolent.

But is it?

I gave a shamanic healing to a client who experienced a sudden loss and she was rightfully so experiencing deep grief. Her feelings of grief were swirling among the many other normal thoughts and emotions that loss can bring, however, because of this... she decided to take a specific action that led to something intense that scared her more than anything. This is when she was referred to me by a mutual friend.

Many wonderful blessings and messages came through that treatment session, but the thing I had not expected most of all is what I'll be sharing about here.

It's extrememly rare that I take on my client's released energies; maybe 3 total I can think of in the last 20 years. I am more grateful than words can express for my trust in my Divine, Compassionate Helping Spirits who always help me clear myself up after realizing I've done this! To Them I sing, Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

After my client left I noticed I started to feel "off." This is NOT normal, I thought. I always feel completely uplifted, energized and fulfilled after my sessions. I felt love, gratitude and awe, but I also felt myself spiraling down into the dumps! I felt this way for three and half days... and it was SO weird!

I was checking my cycle calendar, no. I was looking at old losses and possible future losses and a current loss, even... nothing felt like a match for this heavy heart.

I decided to have a serious talk with Spirit that night before sleeping, or in my case, before going into Dreamtime. This is enough; I'm done with this feeling. "Spirit, if this grief is about a possible loss I can see coming up, so what. I don't want it. This person is alive now and I am going to enjoy my life now instead of grieving ahead of time. So, if this is what this feeling is about, take it. I don't want it."

"Spirit, if this is my client's, it's obviously not mine and I don't want it, so take it and do what you will with it... compost it, burn it in the sun, transmute the energy into Your Love & Wisdom."

"Spirit, if this is about my indecision over another specific possible future loss - by choice... I don't want it right now, so take it! I'll deal with it - if and when it comes."

...you see how I roll? I decide. Then I invoke Spirit who I KNOW loves me deeply and is always supporting my well-being (whether I know it or not ;-)

Then I gently entered the Cave of Dreams...

I'm standing over the left side of a bathroom sink across from a mussed, disheveled woman clothed in a dingy white, wrinkled nightgown who either is possessing me or trying her dangest to possess me! She looks almost like a Banshee but makes no sound.

I refuse her vehemently!

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" I'm shouting at her, my eyes locked-in on hers and I feel completely filled with all my own fire-y, determined self-possession! Then I remember...

I call on my Good Friend, One who has saved me many times before... Jesus Christ. Not the judgy version we often hear about... but the Christ Consciousness I know as the pure energy of Divine Unconditional Love and Acceptance; the One that said to me with open arms outstretched, "I'm only here to Love you." And I could feel it.

I called that Jesus, repeatedly.

I wake up knowing I had to have been "whimpering" in my sleep (as my daughter words it)! Ha!

I notice I feel 100% better than I had been feeling for the last 3.5 days... and I feel 100% me again!

It's 3:44am.

Thank you, Spirit!

I recall the moment it happened... my hands were hovering over my client's heart for what felt like a long time, but I could feel the energy and I was not to move from this place yet. Suddenly I saw and felt a pure, super-bright, little white light leave her heart, move quickly into my right palm and through my forearm near to my elbow. It was shaped like an oval or rectangle with soft edges and my intention was to have this Little Light energy leave my body and go into the Divine. Normally this has been enough ;-)

It did not feel dark nor ominous, but it was also not meant to stay in her heart.

When discussing this with my client after her session we had an important conversation about NOT carrying others IN our bodies. In this life experience, we incarnate into our own sovereign bodies. The only energies I allow inside my body to be with my Soul, are Source and Mother Earth. This is what my cousin, Maria Owl, calls "vertical alignment." Our bodies are sacred space designed to be occupied by only our own Soul and The Divine. No other souls nor cords of attachment are to be permitted - with the exception of mothers raising develping children at varying degrees through the child's phases.

When we deliberately or unconsciously carry others inside our bodies, it drains our own energy in various ways and can make us sick.

I'll share a clear and obvious example from my life:

I was diagnosed with severe adrenal exhaustion and hypothyroid in my early 30's. I had gained a lot of weight after my friend's daughter died (emotional eating), but after 5 years since her passing I found I was still struggling with my energy and health. I love exercising and eating healthy food, but I could not make myself be consistent. I began asking Spirit to help me understand myself and release this block within so that I could be healthy (I had four children of my own to take care of).

I began having a recurring dream... repeats.

Until one night the dream continued beyond the repeats and revealed the truth to me: "I am carrying my mom around with me all the time like a toddler or sack of groceries wrapped up in my arms across my stomach. It's time for me to put my mom down. I feel scared, terrified actually that if I put my mom down she'll leave and never come back; afraid I'll never see her again."

I wake up.

I felt the truth of it and I could finally understand the symbolism of how carrying Mom around for 21 years had litterally exhausted me! I decided to go get some energy work. This was 2010. It was an amazing, most beautiful, phenomenal healing experience for me; during the session and hours after. (I wrote about it in my book, "I Am Worthy; Changing the Countenance of Abuse." which you can find on my site's "Author" tab).

I put my mom down. I have felt her hand on me since, from the OUTSIDE of my body. The moment I feel her touch, my entire body becomes washed through with Unconditional Love... warm and flowing and filling.

My grandfather, mi Abuelito, has also touched my arm from the OUTSIDE of my body and his Presence feels different than my mom's, but the Unconditional Love washing through me feels the same... like close to maybe what Heaven must feel like... the way the NDE people describe.

I felt my grandmothers wrap me in their woven spirit shawl... from the OUTSIDE of my body... so much Unconditional Love again.

I share all of this to illustrate the infinite possibilities of how Spirit can comfort us, love us and support us throughout our lives... from outside of our own bodies. We can ask for signs, Guidance and healing... and we can honor them by following through on the Gifts given to us freely. We don't even have to fully understand the mechanics nor mind of "how" we energetically let them go or put them down, we simply have to be willing to first allow for a different kind of relationship then build on that.

Grief takes time and there is no hurry. Everybody's healing process is unique to them.

But remember this, grief is an emotion that ebbs and flows as a vibrational sensation in the body. It's vital to your health (mental, emotional, physical and spiritual) to digest the grief fully every time it's wave comes in. We are in a culture that for some odd reason likes to believe we must grieve alone and otherwise sweep it under the rug and press forward in life. I'd like to suggest you find people to have your back while you cry. You are never ever alone, not in grief nor your joys.

Allow for waves of grief to crash over and also allow for the ebbs of not-grief. You might find yourself in silent peace, in creativity, in laughter, in love or awe... or a softer sadness humming than grief's powerful howl... for that moment of ebb at least. But if you're feeling a constant deep deep grief that feels like it might bury you, or has taken possession of you (as I did for the 3.5 days explained above), please get the support you need. Family, friends, energy work, therapy... some, all of it, or otherwise.

Grief deepens us, builds our compassion, and unifies us in our shared human experience of excruciating loss. Grief is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new... it changes our lives and our perspectives forevermore. Grief is part of living a life full of love and I would never give up all the love I have ever felt just to avoid grief. That's not even close to an even exchange!

Below I'll share some links I've shared before in other blogs to support you in your grieving process:

I added the lyrics and instructions in the YouTube "details." I have sung to the rising sun while walking outside in the mornings. My friend sings it in the shower! Another in Nature... sing with your own firey self-possesion, watery huricane, windy tornado or rumbling earth!

This guided meditation is for someone new to this sort of process that may want more instruction, information and insight about why these emotions are in specific parts of the body.

This shorter version is for those who have already done the longer meditation or need a quicker process to go through, sometimes several times per day depending on the issue.

Herbal Reinforcements During Times of Grief

Grief really hits our nervous system pretty hard no matter how it arrives. There's a number of herbs in various forms of preparations that I would use during waves of grief. In fact, when two of my daughters and grandchildren moved out in one foul swoop, grief hit me much harder than I expected! I got sick with a dry cough, had trouble sleeping, and my upper chest felt cold and empty.

This is when Lemon Balm came to me in a dream. 

I immediately started using tincture of Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis) at bedtime and the Herbal Essence throughout the day. I made a hot cup of tea of it with Oatstraw as well. Within 24 hours I was feeling joy again with a new positive outlook (and much better sleep). I felt loved and comforted while partaking of Lemon Balm... watched over. I believe Lemon Balm helped me put it all in perspective and commit to create the types of relationships I wanted with them in this new form even if they weren't right under my feet all the time anymore! Ha!

I realize this sort of "partial empty nest" grief and my experience is not necessarily what others will experience. However, Lemon Balm has a lot of amazing properties and is often referred to as an herb of Joy. It's also anti-viral and anti-spasmodic (excellent for quelling a dry spasmodic cough) as well as a relaxing nervine and excellent for sleep. Lemon Balm is also safe enough that I would take it during pregnancy and have given it to my grandchildren when a dry cough was keeping them awake.

Authors and fellow herbalists Michael Tierra and Candis Cantin wrote a book titled, "The Spirit of Herbs." They write about the spiritual properties of many herbs and I've found in my work with these plants that the energy they write about is extraordinarily spot on. I encourage everyone with an interest to purchase this book and work with it.

Lemon Balm is also known to help us remove moodiness and meloncholy, reveal our deeper fears and help us then move into growth and evolvement. Clearly this is exactly what I needed! Ha!

Hawthorn (Crataegus spp.) berries, leaves and flowers support our physical and emotional heart during the stress of grief. This added herbal aid is of utmost importance if you're grieving and have any cardiovascular disease, but it's not harmful if you don't! On a spiritual level, Hawthorn can help us release feelings of disharmony, reinstate inner calm and poise and fortify the entire Heart Chakra (energy center). Hawthorn, like any herb, could fill pages with all it's many benefits, but it is especially beneficial when our hearts are breaking.

Hawthorn, like Lemon Balm, can be made into teas, honeys, syrups, tinctures, vinegars and more.

Rose (Rosa spp.) petals make an amazing honey infusion! You can add the Rose honey to teas or foods! Rose is excellent for the physical and emotional heart, just like Hawthorn, but in Rose's own way and imporving symptoms of anxiety and depression. Rose water is often used for shamanic cleansing ceremony such as La Limpia and used in healing balms. Rose in used as teas, honeys, syrups, tinctures, vinegars and more.

Mimosa (Albizia julibrissin) aka "Tree of Happiness" is another outstanding herbal reinforcement in times of grief. The flowers or bark are used to make teas, tinctures, honeys and syrups.

There are SO many more herbs that are available to us during these challenging losses, or even those long since past... but I could write many blogs on each one! I'd like to recommend an herbal blend with Hawthorn, Rose & Mimosa. You can take the full strength tincture if that feels right to you, or make it into an Herbal Essence... adding just 1 drop of the tincture blend into 1oz of pure water. The Herbal Essence dosage is 4 drops under the tongue held there for 1 full minute of quiet contemplation.

SWHerb in Mesa, AZ sells an herbal tincture called, "Grief Relief" with these herbs. They will ship it to you if you don't live locally.

If you'd like to receive shamanic healing from me, you can find your options here at the link below:

I send you many blessings, endless love and Divine Guidance on your healing path.